Last time I came open about my mental health issue and how I am coping up with it. Today let me tell you what it means to have a bipolar disorder.
There are days filled with full of energy to work, to write, to read and indulge in all the pleasurable activities. There is no period preceding the act. Despite having a tired and hectic day at work, I am left with more zeal to pursue my day and push it to the 25th hour. There is no stopping. My brain tells me ” hey I want to do that, hey I want to do this as well, hey let’s get things going” and I, being enslaved by my tiny brain, oblige to do all it wants till she is content.
I tag these days as my elated days where I am high on my energy levels and use it productively. I scribble all the ideas that I need to devise for my clients’ key messages. I read books and I write all those layers of emotions that I go through during such days. I consider them as my limited edition days as I am happy and need to live it to the fullest.
After the bright summer days what follows is a phase filled with dull days. On such days I feel remorseful, worthless, empty, pathetic, exhausted. Tears are my companions and loneliness is my abode. I don’t talk to anyone at work those days. I tend to keep to myself and work as if things are normal. However, there is a vast ocean of turmoil running in me. I retrograde from every pleasurable activities I indulge in. They some how do not please me more. It seems as if I am befriending sadness. I breakdown and when I ask myself why? I breakdown more unable to come in terms with the situation.
Anxiety is the brutal enemy I live with. She comes and shakes her leg over my head. Tablets are my magic wand which helps in stabilising things. The only worry is the dependency on the minute and pale coloured drug. I feel my brain is not in my control and it’s the brain that is controlling me. It’s constantly blurting orders at me be to be happy for certain days, and then I get ousted without any warnings or alert.
Do I feel suicidal?
Before I used to now I just pass the question without an inch untouched or scathed.
How am I since the time I came to know about the issue?
Still surviving. Embracing it.
How do I feel today?
I don’t know. I am just feeling hanging today in between these two extreme emotions. Hey I am still surviving.