The ordeal

Last time I came open about my mental health issue and how I am coping up with it. Today let me tell you what it means to have a bipolar disorder.

There are days filled with full of energy to work, to write, to read and indulge in all the pleasurable activities. There is no period preceding the act. Despite having a tired and hectic day at work, I am left with more zeal to pursue my day and push it to the 25th hour.  There is no stopping. My brain tells me ” hey I want to do that, hey I want to do this as well, hey let’s get things going” and I, being enslaved by my tiny brain, oblige to do all it wants till she is content.

I tag these days as my elated days where I am high on my energy levels and use it productively. I scribble all the ideas that I need to devise for my clients’ key messages. I read books and I write all those layers of emotions that I go through during such days. I consider them as my limited edition days as I am happy and need to live it to the fullest.

After the bright summer days what follows is a phase filled with dull days. On such days I feel remorseful, worthless, empty, pathetic, exhausted. Tears are my companions and loneliness is my abode. I don’t talk to anyone at work those days. I tend to keep to myself and work as if things are normal. However, there is a vast ocean of turmoil running in me.  I retrograde from every pleasurable activities I indulge in. They some how do not please me more. It seems as if I am befriending sadness. I breakdown and when I ask myself why? I breakdown more unable to come in terms with the situation.

Anxiety is the brutal enemy I live with. She comes and shakes her leg over my head. Tablets are my magic wand which helps in stabilising things. The only worry is the dependency on the minute and pale coloured drug. I feel my brain is not in my control and it’s the brain that is controlling me. It’s constantly blurting orders at me be to be happy for certain days, and then I get ousted without any warnings or alert.

Do I feel suicidal?
Before I used to now I just pass the question without an inch untouched or scathed.

How am I since the time I came to know about the issue?
Still surviving. Embracing it.

How do I feel today?
I don’t know. I am just feeling hanging today in between these two extreme emotions. Hey I am still surviving.

4 opinions on “The ordeal”

  1. Hey…
    It’s good that you’re recording your thoughts…some day you will become great…and these posts will be gems when you look back. Every human being is controlled by his/her brain…only that some people need tablets in order to survive..its normal..at least you have a way out which many uninfomed souls don’t. You are an amazing writer…be happy that bipolar is contributing to your literary high on some days…some days when you can’t do much…don’t worry…its normal..your writing is intense and you have it in you to be a world class writer..keep writing..keep calm..remember sunny days…winter will pass soon..and you will be happy in life again..don’t feel why me…say loud and shout to the world…try me…you are better than the best.

    Smile please.

  2. Sridevi…thought comes to my mind about her is energitic…lively…full of kiddish thoughts and naughtiness…just a piece of advice…the days when you feel low and dull…have a bottle of water with you always….and try to empty it as and when you feel distracted from work…
    Making bottle empty, remember that these low days will go early and the lively days are coming, prepare and plan for the next coming lively days…you would be surprised to see more you do and live in antisipation of next coming good days…you would realize the moody days becoming lesser and lesser…I really hope and pray to God, it should be that way….

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